I'm gonna hang whoever did this from the rafters

Someone stole my boobs.

They stole the fat that made them round and they took the elasticity that made them perky. Okay, kind of perky. Okay, they haven't been perky for a while, but they weren't this...dare I say it...I'm gonna say it...flaccid. There. I said it.

I don't know what monster did this, but I'm going to find you, dear kidnapper.

I didn't realize their fullness was absolutely gone until I bent over in our closet last week and what's left of my boobs fell out of my bra. Not because they are so voluptuous, but because they deflated.

I only breastfed for 2 months. And even then it was sporadic because I didn't produce enough milk. Is this the result of breastfeeding for a mere 7 weeks?

I've never had luck in the boob department. As a matter of fact, my boobs didn't even get big in pregnancy. Or with breastmilk. Or anything.

I used to have B cup boobs. While I was pregnant, I got super excited and ran out to buy C cup bras, just assuming mine would burst out like the next pregnant lady's.

Those beautiful C cup bras just stayed in my drawer, dejected, never used, never needed.

And now, damn them to hell, I have to go out and buy...and buy... A CUP BRAS!! And I'm gonna need those A cups with a forklift built in the bottom - no underwire is going to do with these popped balloons.

And now a letter to the kidnapper:

Dear Kidnapper,

I hope you are proud of yourself. You have left an already hormonal and emotional woman with no boobs, no cleavage, and no sex appeal. The necklines of the dresses I used to wear, like the gray and white striped one I wore for New Year's Eve three years ago, now gape open like the wound on my womanhood. Please. I beg of you. In the name of all things attractive, please return my boobs. I don't have any money, but I'm sure we can come up with something to exchange. Like my brand-new, never-been worn C-cup bras. You could use them in a quilt. Or make a handbag out of them. If bras aren't your thing (although you would think they would be with you out stealing boobs and all), then perhaps I can entice you with some of my belly fat. It's just like the fat you stole from my boobs, but there is definitely more of it. Really, you'd be coming out ahead.

I'll give you whatever you want. Just please. Return my boobs.

Sincerely,

Your boobless hobo,

Amo