Monday, January 4, 2010

I'm gonna hang whoever did this from the rafters

Someone stole my boobs.

They stole the fat that made them round and they took the elasticity that made them perky. Okay, kind of perky. Okay, they haven't been perky for a while, but they weren't this...dare I say it...I'm gonna say it...flaccid. There. I said it.

I don't know what monster did this, but I'm going to find you, dear kidnapper.

I didn't realize their fullness was absolutely gone until I bent over in our closet last week and what's left of my boobs fell out of my bra. Not because they are so voluptuous, but because they deflated.

I only breastfed for 2 months. And even then it was sporadic because I didn't produce enough milk. Is this the result of breastfeeding for a mere 7 weeks?

I've never had luck in the boob department. As a matter of fact, my boobs didn't even get big in pregnancy. Or with breastmilk. Or anything.

I used to have B cup boobs. While I was pregnant, I got super excited and ran out to buy C cup bras, just assuming mine would burst out like the next pregnant lady's.

Those beautiful C cup bras just stayed in my drawer, dejected, never used, never needed.

And now, damn them to hell, I have to go out and buy...and buy... A CUP BRAS!! And I'm gonna need those A cups with a forklift built in the bottom - no underwire is going to do with these popped balloons.

And now a letter to the kidnapper:

Dear Kidnapper,

I hope you are proud of yourself. You have left an already hormonal and emotional woman with no boobs, no cleavage, and no sex appeal. The necklines of the dresses I used to wear, like the gray and white striped one I wore for New Year's Eve three years ago, now gape open like the wound on my womanhood. Please. I beg of you. In the name of all things attractive, please return my boobs. I don't have any money, but I'm sure we can come up with something to exchange. Like my brand-new, never-been worn C-cup bras. You could use them in a quilt. Or make a handbag out of them. If bras aren't your thing (although you would think they would be with you out stealing boobs and all), then perhaps I can entice you with some of my belly fat. It's just like the fat you stole from my boobs, but there is definitely more of it. Really, you'd be coming out ahead.

I'll give you whatever you want. Just please. Return my boobs.

Sincerely,

Your boobless hobo,

Amo

11 comments:

  1. LOL. Well, I can offer you the fat on my thighs that was despoited by some unknown subject who must have thought it was a dumpsite for fat. Oh and my fat depository doesn't end there...so I have plenty...so much you will be wearing D cups, baby!

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  2. Hahahaa...this was a great post too funny. Of course as a mom of two I can relate. And we are on the same page today because I also talked about a body part on my blog! Oh the changes us mommies have to deal with. www.thismamaworksit.com

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  3. I hope that lousy thief brings them back to you!!

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  4. Ha! I'm rolling on the floor!!! And, what do you mean, belly fat? You have none...nada...zilch!

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  5. Seriously I could have written this post. I am laughing so hard! I would, only because I am so nice be willing to give you my belly jiggle and some hinny fat to perk those bad boys back up. :) Great post. So true.

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  6. If you find the kidnapper send me his or her name. Mine were stolen so long ago I forgot what perky was.

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  7. LOL! You crack me up.

    And, no, the breastfeeding isn't what kills the boobs, it's the pregnancy. Bah. I have DD boobs with similar deflation issues, so without an awesome bra...well, it ain't pretty. You're not alone!

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  8. Hee hee...so sorry about the loss of your boobs. (or "pimples" as my son calls them) They really should make a card for that. :)

    I'm flat chested myself and over the years have invested in fancy push up bras, water bras, air bras, bra with boobs already in them...then I started nursing and now I'm flat chested with really long nipples. It's a good look... :)

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  9. Oh Amy I miss you!!!!!!!!!!
    I am just catching up...after three months...arrr..ummm..
    Boob deflation. This is so true. I remember going into victorias secret and getting an new bra after Paige. Breastfeeding, one year. Was a whole cup smaller. I stood there dejected shaking my head feeling like a deflated balloon. Then the sales girl said.."it happened to me too." Whaooohooo...!" I thought to myself. Sadly...I am now back into my regular old bra. But only cause I like to eat...not boob fillin but fat...oh well. Jenny Craig helped someone right????

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  10. I'm thinking the thief has to be a man...hence man boobs (-:

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