I have so much inside that needs to be released. Because there is so much of "it," this post might turn into a jumbled mess, but that's okay. I need to get it out.
I am not a private person. I have never cared much about who knows what about me and what goes on in my world. I'll tell you my age, weight, size. I'll tell you about the mistakes I have made and the things I wish I could take back. I may keep my mouth shut to protect someone else, but besides that, I am an open book.
I prominently wear my emotions on my sleeve. My face says everything anyone needs to know about me. This is frustrating when I WANT to hide an emotion and not fall apart in front of others.
And to the friends and family hearing the news through this blog post: believe that I wanted to tell you in person, but I just can't speak the words out loud yet or talk about it without becoming overwhelmed with those emotions I can't hide. I feel that speaking the words out loud would expose this sweet soul and I need to protect her.
Here we go...I am pregnant with our second child (hence the "her" above because I think it is a girl)! For those of you who read my post, "Walking the Plank," you would think I might not be that thrilled. But, I am! I am absolutely ecstatic!! The moment I read the pregnancy test (around 10 pm on Monday), I shocked myself with how happy I was. I thought I would be scared because my husband is unemployed. I thought I would be overwhelmed with thoughts of "What are we going to do for money and insurance?" But I didn't even think about those things. Instead, I wanted to jump up and down and dance around the room! I wanted to tell everyone I know! I wanted to celebrate and yell and scream and call my mom, my sister, my dad, my friends.
I wanted to get down on my knees and thank God for this one bright light in an otherwise dismal couple of months. I wanted to thank Him for sending us through such difficult times to come out on the other side with a beautiful soul growing in my belly. My spirits were so crushed when the doctor said I most likey would not be able to get pregnant again without a second surgery. I've never been so happy for a doctor to be wrong! And it happened so quickly! It took us 13 months and one surgery to get pregnant with Max because of my endometriosis. This time it took only one attempt. When my husband lost his job, we stopped trying and thought there was no way that one time worked. What a wonderful surprise!
I hoped that this baby is the angel sent to bring us back into the light.
However, the following day after my blood test, the nurse told me my hormone levels were low for how far along I am (my levels were at 62 at four weeks) and I needed to come back in two days for another test and my levels should double for a healthy pregnancy. I had the second blood test done Thursday. The average range is between 500-6000. My hormone level was 85. It didn't double and it is very low. Again, I was told to come back next Thursday for more blood work to check my levels again and then, the following Monday, return to see if there is a heartbeat. We will know something by Thursday if my hormone levels haven't significantly increased.
I asked the nurse if I was going to miscarry and she said that my progesterone level is good, therefore the answer is not necessarily. She said if my progesterone level was any lower (it is at 20), then she would give me no hope. But, we do have a little hope...
I am trying to have a positive, hopeful attitude and not spend every moment wallowing in worry and sadness. Which is naturally easier said than done. It is torture playing the waiting game. How many days do I have to wait to know for sure?
I already love this baby.
The way I feel about this pregnancy is different than my first. I'm not distracted by what to expect in pregnancy and how my body will change. Not distracted by toys and swings and pack n' plays. Not distracted by the fear of giving birth, fear of breastfeeding, fear of not being prepared. I was so naive and expectant with my son. I was rather detached from the reality of what was happening because the whole experience was so foreign and new. Now, I know what to expect. I already have all the baby gadgets. I know I will have a c-section. I've been through breastfeeding and lived to tell about it. I've been through post-partum depression and we all lived to tell about it.
I'm not distracted by anything this time.
I now know how impossible it is to explain how much you love your child. I can't explain what my son means to me. There are no words that can do it justice. No metaphors, no similes, no comparisons.
And I have loved this new baby from the moment I saw the plus sign on the test. And the word "pregnant" on the second test. And the third test. Always from the very first moment.
My husband asked me yesterday what I want for my birthday tomorrow. It's funny, my birthday used to be the highlight of my year, and this year I haven't even thought about it. My son's first birthday is five days after mine and with all the drama in our lives lately, I haven't remembered my birthday or thought about what I want.
But, I know now. All I want for my birthday this year is to be this baby's mommy.
Sweet baby soul,
I understand if you have changed your mind about coming to Earth. It's not always the easiest place to be. But, it can also be beautiful and inspiring, miraculous and hilarious. And I wish you would stay, sweet soul. I promise that your daddy and I will always do everything in our power to protect you and guide you and allow you to be whoever you are inside. We love you so much, baby, and will always love you no matter what you decide.
All my love,