Walking the Plank

I'm kind of sick today.

I woke up with a sore and itchy throat, runny nose, little nausea, headache, ear ache. I think it might be allergies. No fever.

And I have a burn line on my face from a rogue flattening iron.

It really isn't a good time to feel bad.

We are officially trying to have another baby. I saw my OBGYN on Monday. She suggested that I have surgery. Again. For those of you who do not know my medical history (and you might be grateful for that), let me quickly fill you in.

I have endometriosis. My husband and I tried to get pregnant with our son for 12 months until we realized it wasn't happenin', no matter how hard we tried.

I had excruciatingly painful menstrual cycles for years that would keep me bed-ridden for the first two days of my cycle. Even prescription pain meds couldn't put a dent in the pain. So, I marched into the doctor's office after a year of negative pregnancy tests and said I wanted somebody to do something about it immediately because I was in pain, I was tired of having my menstrual cycle run my life, and apparently, I was infertile. I spent that appointment crying to my OBGYN, while she offered me Kleenex and a scheduled date for laproscopic surgery.

My surgery revealed three different types of endometriosis, lots of scar tissue, and the main reason for my infertility. My left ovary was glued to my side with scar tissue and had pulled all of my reproductive organs to the left. My organs were in the wrong place. No wonder I couldn't get pregnant.

After two weeks of recovery and another two weeks of feeling great, I finally had a positive pregnancy test! It only took a month after surgery. Thirteen months total. And now, we have a perfect 11-month old son!

But, unfortunately, that nasty endo is back. My symptoms have slowly been resurfacing over the last few months. My doc suggested I have surgery immediately or start trying to have a second baby now...and if I am not pregnant by the end of fall, have the laproscopic surgery again before the end of the year.

The problem is, besides the possible impending surgery, is that I'm not sure I am ready to be pregnant again. I want another child, but now? I'm not sure I am ready to have another c-section, another six months of sleepless nights. Another run at breastfeeding. Another battle with post-partum depression.

I told my husband last night that I feel like I am walking the plank. I am scared to death to have another child, but I am being forced to walk that plank and unwillingly jump off because of my health. He said that is how he felt the first time. We had to rush it the first time as well, because of my health. This time though, he feels great about it. Our viewpoints are reversed because I felt great about it the first time. I wasn't frightened in the least about becoming a mother (giving birth was a different story!). I was thrilled at getting to be a mother. I just didn't count on the c-section and the long recovery. I didn't count on battling post-partum depression for the first six months of my son's life. I didn't count on having lemons for boobs that wouldn't produce milk. I wasn't prepared for my failed attempt at breastfeeding to be such an emotional rollercoaster. I wasn't prepared for how much my life would change.

My husband said he thinks I am feeling overwhelmed because, besides raising my son full-time, I have two part-time jobs to which I take my son. It gets tricky. Plus, trying to keep up with the household and my sanity gets tricky tricky. But, other women do it. Some women stay at home with 4+ kids and that has GOT to be more overwhelming than my situation.

Plus, if we have another baby, I would have to quit both of my part-time jobs because I can't and won't haul a one-yr old AND an infant to work. My sanity can only stretch so far before it snaps. The problem is, we can't afford for me to quit my jobs.

I also don't get out much. I have found that having kids causes a rift between you and your friends who don't have kids and you get called less and less because you can't drop everything and go out to dinner, or to have drinks, or to the pool, or shopping. I have to have advance notice to find a babysitter. And I can't always even answer the phone, anyway. Bye social life.

I love love love being a mother. And I can't figure out how I filled my time before I had my son...and I don't want to know. My life right now is what I always wanted (well, minus the fat bank account, but who's counting? Not me because it wouldn't take long). I know that children are a blessing worth more than anything on this earth. The love between parent and child is the greatest love I have ever felt and I am sure that once the dream for a second child becomes a reality, the fear might melt away and the financial puzzle pieces will finally fall into place. To watch my son's face light up when I enter the room, or bury his head in my shoulder when he is feeling shy, makes me feel all warm and glowy inside.

What will it be like when he is no longer my primary focus? When he has to share the limelight with another? When he is no longer the only center of my universe? Parents out there: how do you share your affections with multiple children equally without feeling like you are neglecting one for the other?