...and then some bad news

I've had some bad birthdays in my life, but this one yesterday takes the cake.


I had a miscarriage last night. On my birthday.

The day was in shambles already because my husband, son and I were so tired and none of us were feeling well. My son had congestion, my husband had an ear infection and I was having just a general discomfort in my lower abdomen, a dull ache.

When we returned home from my birthday dinner at my mother's house, I started bleeding. My mom rushed over to watch my son and Steve and I went to the ER, where after HOURS of waiting on test results, we found out my hormone level had dropped to a 17 and I was indeed having a miscarriage.

We were in triage for almost five hours. The room was freezing and violently silent and uncomfortable. I was put in a room with another woman on the other side of the curtain. She never spoke and my husband and I spoke only in whispers. We were tired and hungry, I was scared and nervous.

I kept thinking that this wasn't really happening. It was so surreal. What was I doing there? Surely I wasn't having a miscarriage. A thousand thoughts were dashing in and out of my head and I was having trouble taking a deep breath. I thought this is all a misunderstanding. The bleeding is normal. It is fine. At one point, I actually had convinced myself that I had just cut myself shaving "down there" and we were all going to laugh when my blood test results came back and my hormone levels were high and through the roof.

My husband left for a while to buy a newspaper down the street and I started bleeding again while he was gone. Then, I knew. I knew, but I didn't believe.

Around 1:30 am, the nurse came in and told us the bad news. She was sympathetic, she closed the door when she left and I lost it. My husband came to the side of the bed and held me while I cried. He said something to me, but I don't remember what it was.

Then, the doctor came in and told me what to expect: bleeding for one to two weeks, cramping that ranges from light to heavy for one to two weeks, take meds for pain, come back if soaking pads every hour or have a high fever, make an appointment with your OBGYN within the week.

We got home around 2 am, I took a pain pill and tried to sleep.

Today I have felt empty, as if every action has nothing behind it, just involuntary movement and going through the motions. I feel like I have missed an entire day with my son, even though I have been by his side all day. I'm absent.

My emotions have gone haywire. I will feel stable for two hours and then out of nowhere, I will be still and break down. Then, almost as quickly, I feel stable again and start walking around the house.

All kinds of "what if's" have tortured me throughout the day. What if I hadn't cleaned the bathtub with bleach? What if I hadn't had my hair dyed? What if I hadn't taken that ibuprofen? All things I did a few weeks ago before I knew I was pregnant. What if I had known I was pregnant? Then I never would have done any of those things. Should I have even tried to get pregnant, knowing there is a chance of miscarriage with endometriosis? Should I have waited to have surgery first? All evil, torturous questions that can never be answered anyway, so why am I allowing them to enter?

We are going to be fine. I know. Peace will return someday.

My sweet, baby soul just wasn't ready. And that's okay. We still love you, baby. I understand. Most of the time I feel like I'm not ready, either. We've just gotta take it one day at a time.