Monday, August 17, 2009

...and then some bad news

I've had some bad birthdays in my life, but this one yesterday takes the cake.

I had a miscarriage last night. On my birthday.

The day was in shambles already because my husband, son and I were so tired and none of us were feeling well. My son had congestion, my husband had an ear infection and I was having just a general discomfort in my lower abdomen, a dull ache.

When we returned home from my birthday dinner at my mother's house, I started bleeding. My mom rushed over to watch my son and Steve and I went to the ER, where after HOURS of waiting on test results, we found out my hormone level had dropped to a 17 and I was indeed having a miscarriage.

We were in triage for almost five hours. The room was freezing and violently silent and uncomfortable. I was put in a room with another woman on the other side of the curtain. She never spoke and my husband and I spoke only in whispers. We were tired and hungry, I was scared and nervous.

I kept thinking that this wasn't really happening. It was so surreal. What was I doing there? Surely I wasn't having a miscarriage. A thousand thoughts were dashing in and out of my head and I was having trouble taking a deep breath. I thought this is all a misunderstanding. The bleeding is normal. It is fine. At one point, I actually had convinced myself that I had just cut myself shaving "down there" and we were all going to laugh when my blood test results came back and my hormone levels were high and through the roof.

My husband left for a while to buy a newspaper down the street and I started bleeding again while he was gone. Then, I knew. I knew, but I didn't believe.

Around 1:30 am, the nurse came in and told us the bad news. She was sympathetic, she closed the door when she left and I lost it. My husband came to the side of the bed and held me while I cried. He said something to me, but I don't remember what it was.

Then, the doctor came in and told me what to expect: bleeding for one to two weeks, cramping that ranges from light to heavy for one to two weeks, take meds for pain, come back if soaking pads every hour or have a high fever, make an appointment with your OBGYN within the week.

We got home around 2 am, I took a pain pill and tried to sleep.

Today I have felt empty, as if every action has nothing behind it, just involuntary movement and going through the motions. I feel like I have missed an entire day with my son, even though I have been by his side all day. I'm absent.

My emotions have gone haywire. I will feel stable for two hours and then out of nowhere, I will be still and break down. Then, almost as quickly, I feel stable again and start walking around the house.

All kinds of "what if's" have tortured me throughout the day. What if I hadn't cleaned the bathtub with bleach? What if I hadn't had my hair dyed? What if I hadn't taken that ibuprofen? All things I did a few weeks ago before I knew I was pregnant. What if I had known I was pregnant? Then I never would have done any of those things. Should I have even tried to get pregnant, knowing there is a chance of miscarriage with endometriosis? Should I have waited to have surgery first? All evil, torturous questions that can never be answered anyway, so why am I allowing them to enter?

We are going to be fine. I know. Peace will return someday.

My sweet, baby soul just wasn't ready. And that's okay. We still love you, baby. I understand. Most of the time I feel like I'm not ready, either. We've just gotta take it one day at a time.


  1. I am so sad for you and steve. I hope you get some rest and that the recovery is fast. Please let me know if I can do anything even if its just keeping Max if you need to sleep! Love you Amy!

  2. Thanks, Julee! I appreciate it. I may take you up on the watching Max! I still have to get ready for his birthday party this weekend and I'm not sure how I am going to get it all done with him around!

  3. Damn,...honestly that's the only word that comes to my mind,...damn. I was so worried about this and just had a horrible sinking feeling. I'm so sorry. That absent feeling is the worst. I've had it for other reasons and it's terrible. It's ok to "go through the motions" right now. Take your time. Hopefully Max's party will keep you distracted. My thoughts are with you and your family. For all the things that have happened to you lately, surely there is something fantastic around the corner.

  4. Thanks, Michelle. Max's party will definitely keep me distracted, plus my sister is coming home from St. Louis for a few days so that will help too. Here's wishing for something fantastic!!

  5. My wife and I have been there and I know how bad this sucks balls. I felt numb for a pretty long time afterward but it did get better. Hope you guys are feeling better and if I can offer a laugh, I will.

  6. I know I can count on you Hossman to make me laugh. You always do!

  7. Oh, damn. I'm soooo sorry to hear about that news. You have to somehow remember that the man upstairs has a plan for you. I can't even imagine what you must be going through right now.

    Prayers and thoughts are with you...

  8. First of all, don't blame yourself or think you couldv'e done something different. Unfortunately, not all things have an explanation. God has his reasons...I'm sure your sick of hearing that by now. Happy, positive things are waiting for you. I can feel it! I can't wait to get there and hang out with you and little Max (or maybe not-so-little anymore. I can't wait to see!). Love you and am keeping you in my prayers.

  9. Thanks Theta Mom for the prayers and thoughts. We really appreciate it so much. And sissy, can't wait to see you tomorrow!! Love you!

  10. Hello, First I want to say I am so sorry to hear of your miscarriage! I will pray you find peace. I also wanted to say thanks for stopping by my blog and becoming a follower, I will now follow you as well! I hope you get to feeling better soon!

  11. Found you via MBC Under 100 Followers...I wanted to cry when I read this. I am so, so sorry. I wish I had some sage words of advice...Please hang in there.

    I'm following...

  12. New here but hope it's Okay if I pass on my condolences. Blessings:)


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