Some days, I wish they would go away so I can catch my breath.
Then, some nights, I stare at them while they sleep and I cry, terrified that they will go away.
Some days, I just stare at my oldest son while he eats, or at my youngest son while he studies his fingers, and I think, "How did I ever get this lucky? I am so blessed."
Some days, I stare at my son while he tries to kick his younger brother or at my youngest after he has woken up for the fourth time that night, and I think, "I must have been crazy to have kids."
Motherhood is the toughest challenge I have ever faced. And most days, I am a complete failure. My oldest has special needs that sometimes I just can't meet. And because I am so consumed with the needs of my oldest, my youngest has needs that sometimes I just can't meet. And I end most days feeling guilty and either crying, nursing a tension headache, or just completely exhausted.
I can't remember what my life was like before I had my sons. Because it was so meaningless. So trivial. What did I do that was as important as what I am doing now?
My boys are IT.
I heard someone say once that they look at being a stay-at-home mom and motherhood as a privilege, not as a job.
Well, excuse me for saying so, but there are a lot of days that it feels like a job to me. And one I'm not very good at. I can be selfish, I lack patience, energy, stamina, the ability to multi-task...but what I do not lack is love for these babies and a hunger to give them the best lives I can. I love these boys with everything I have. Losing them would be like losing my lungs or my legs. I wouldn't be able to breathe or stand on my own again.
And while I am not always able to show my gratitude, I am always grateful. And so, so in love.
And to my darlings, Max and Harry: even on the days when I yell or have to put you in time-out, make you drink water instead of chocolate milk, seem exasperated, exhausted, or act like I am not going to make it through this day - I do make it, I will make it, and I will always make it for you. I will always make it for you.
And P.S. - if I am ever angry, get your daddy to buy me something and then tell me I'm pretty. It always works.