Sunday, March 27, 2011

My pledge to M and H

Having children has left me so vulnerable.

Some days, I wish they would go away so I can catch my breath.

Then, some nights, I stare at them while they sleep and I cry, terrified that they will go away.

Some days, I just stare at my oldest son while he eats, or at my youngest son while he studies his fingers, and I think, "How did I ever get this lucky? I am so blessed."

Some days, I stare at my son while he tries to kick his younger brother or at my youngest after he has woken up for the fourth time that night, and I think, "I must have been crazy to have kids."

Motherhood is the toughest challenge I have ever faced. And most days, I am a complete failure. My oldest has special needs that sometimes I just can't meet. And because I am so consumed with the needs of my oldest, my youngest has needs that sometimes I just can't meet. And I end most days feeling guilty and either crying, nursing a tension headache, or just completely exhausted.


I can't remember what my life was like before I had my sons. Because it was so meaningless. So trivial. What did I do that was as important as what I am doing now?


My boys are IT.

I heard someone say once that they look at being a stay-at-home mom and motherhood as a privilege, not as a job.

Well, excuse me for saying so, but there are a lot of days that it feels like a job to me. And one I'm not very good at. I can be selfish, I lack patience, energy, stamina, the ability to multi-task...but what I do not lack is love for these babies and a hunger to give them the best lives I can. I love these boys with everything I have. Losing them would be like losing my lungs or my legs. I wouldn't be able to breathe or stand on my own again.

And while I am not always able to show my gratitude, I am always grateful. And so, so in love.

And to my darlings, Max and Harry: even on the days when I yell or have to put you in time-out, make you drink water instead of chocolate milk, seem exasperated, exhausted, or act like I am not going to make it through this day - I do make it, I will make it, and I will always make it for you. I will always make it for you.

And P.S. - if I am ever angry, get your daddy to buy me something and then tell me I'm pretty. It always works.


  1. That was so beautiful and honest and wonderful!

  2. Can I get their daddy to buy me something too?

  3. Your stories remind me of my own, my two boys and me and days and weeks of just getting by, but you know what? They are now grown up. Never did I think I would see this day. Truly I know what you are going through and what you are feeling. I felt the same way. I thought it would eventually kill me...these two babies who drove me crazy and yet who I could love so much. You have the hardest job in the universe you know...raising boys to be who will love their own wives and children, men who will be responsible for their families and jobs, and who will respect others as well as their parents. Job descriptions for us moms are endless. We have to be able to make snap decisions that mean life or death. We have to hear the slightest sound and KNOW that our child is in trouble. And we have to know when to laugh...and that a darth vader head in the toilet is nothing to worry about.
    You are doing a GREAT job!!! So laugh when you can, cry when you need to, and do what you're doing and love those babies.
    A big hug to you from an old pro to a young pro.

  4. I feel like this a lot, especially as my kids get older. Begging them to do for themselves and then wanting them to come to me-it's enough to make you feel like a crazy person, and make you feel guilty for wanting some time for yourself.

    One day at a time, right? :)


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