So, tomorrow we find out the sex of the baby. We are so hoping this baby will allow us to see his or her parts so we will know for sure. I've heard of people not getting to find out the sex because the baby wouldn't uncross the legs! And I am a planner and a researcher. I must know the sex. I couldn't fly by the seat of our baby pants and just go with it.
We are secretly hoping for a girl, although, naturally, either would be fantastic. We just don't have a girl. If we had a girl first, we'd be wanting a boy this time. Steve thinks we need a girl in order to balance out the hormones in the house. He doesn't want me to be the only female in the family, although I have to say it might have its advantages. Maybe he would feel sorry for me more often if I was surrounded by testosterone and he'd just throw the credit card at me for things like pedicures and shoes and girl's night out.
And although it would be fantastic to have a girl, I am a little frightened of having a daughter. I know I would feel more responsible for her self-image than I do with my son. Growing up, I naturally looked to my mother as a model of how to be a successful woman, and I know my daughter would look to me. And that scares me. For many reasons.
One: as a teenager, I had a horrible self-image. I was never very girly and I had no idea how to put on make-up or fix my hair or dress until I was in my early twenties. I never had a bow in my hair and I don't have a clue how to french braid or make pigtails. I was never interested back then. I remember once in elementary school (perhaps 4th or 5th grade?), I looked around at the other girls in the lunch room and realized I looked nothing like them...no bows in my hair, no french braid, no hot-rolled curls... and that I hadn't even brushed my hair that morning before school and I felt so ashamed of my appearance. It was the first time I remember feeling ugly. I would just die if I knew my daughter felt that way about herself. I'm not sure I could handle it.
Two: I feel I am intelligent and emotionally strong, but not all that successful. Not by society's standards anyway. I'm not a career woman and never have been and have never wanted to be. I'm not all that great at housekeeping or decorating. I feel guilty when I go shopping, like I'm taking food out of our mouths and heat out of our home (girls aren't supposed to feel guilty about shopping!!). However, I'm getting much better at cooking. I don't think my husband fears dinner anymore. Perhaps I could teach her how to cook...
My point is that I want to have something I am passionate about, a purpose, to show her and teach her before she gets here, if she is a "she" at all. But, all I have are rows of my favorite books and some life experiences. And a mean coupon clipping system. I'm afraid I would fail miserably at showing her how to be a girl in this world. (Madonna, please help). I was never very good at it, so why would I be able to teach her anything about it?
Well, these are my fears about having a daughter. My only fear about having another son is that the two of them might run me into the ground with their Tazmanian devil energy. My body wasn't built for swinging from trees and it hurts too bad when a Darth Vader doll is thrown at my face and the helmet hits my nose at top speed. Or I get hit in the nose with a croquet mallet. Or my son head butts my face and bruises my nose bone. Or when he pulls my hair until chunks come out in his hand. You get the picture. Frankly, I'm surprised my nose has held out this long.
But these are just my fears. False Evidence Appearing Real. Like I said, I'm emotionally strong and I know what is healthy behavior and what isn't. I could teach either sex, rambunctious boy or girly girl, how to create healthy boundaries and how to have self-respect...how to treat others and how to expect the same treatment for yourself...how to live spiritually and never judge another human being for their sexual orientation or race or religious beliefs...how to accept everyone just as they were put on this earth and hopefully, how to accept yourself. And those are some of the most important lessons, after all. And no child of mine would ever be short on kisses, hugs, and smiles. My children will always know where to go if he, or she, needs a little love and happiness and unconditional acceptance.
We'll find out tomorrow!!!