Holy Crap.

Worst disgusting mommy chore night yet. Bad things always seem to happen when my husband is out of town. It is a horrible conspiracy by the universe to force me to deal with problem situations head-on.

So, my son and I are eating dinner in our dining room/living room, he in his high chair and I at the table. When he is finished with his delicious squash, corn and chicken mixture, I put him next to me in his jumperoo so I can finish eating my gluten-free lasagna. Everything is going smoothly, my son is laughing and smiling, there was no gagging or puking at dinner. Seemed like we were going to make it throught the night without any major catastrophes. Yeah, right.

I get up from the table and go into the kitchen to get a glass of water. I look in on my son in the living room and he is still jumping and laughing and smiling, having a fine time. I notice his feet slipping around on the hardwood floor. Then I notice a slimy film under his feet that has been smeared as far as his litte legs will reach. What the? At first I thought my dog had drooled under the jumperoo and Max was smearing it around the floor. Or Max's sweaty, chubby feet were leaving sweaty smears on the floor (my son's feet sweat a lot!). Then I thought perhaps Max peed and it somehow went out the side of his diaper, down his leg and onto the floor. I didn't smell anything foul, so surely it wasn't poop? Right?

I reluctantly went back into the living room, fearing the worst, and kneeled down next to my son. Just as I had feared. Brown everywhere. My worst fear had come to life. Poop. He had pooped in the five minutes he was in his jumperoo and it had made its way out of his diaper on both sides and squished down his legs and he was smearing it all over the floor!! He thought it was fun, slipping and sliding, laughing with delight. I was in shock. How had I not smelled anything foul? I managed to get it together and evaluate the damage. There was poop everywhere - in his toenails, between his toes, in the baby-fat crevices of his legs, behind his knees, on his calves, his chins, and it was smeared in big, poopy circles all over my hardwood floor. There was no one to help me. I was on my own.

I immediately filled the sink with water for his bath and got out his towels and shampoo/soap. I had to leave him smearing around poop in his jumperoo because I couldn't put him anywhere until the bath was full. He was still giggling and having a grand time. I left the water running in the sink, grabbed him and took him to his changing table, where I ripped off his doo doo clothes and tried to get as much poop off him as I could. Some of it had dried already! I scrubbed his toes with wipes and still couldn't get it to come off! I took off his diaper and cleaned the mess, including the poop that had crept up his back. Ack! I swept him up and took him to the bath, only to find that the water was overflowing! Thank goodness I had placed a towel on the edge of the sink because it soaked up most of the water before it flowed onto the floor. So, I had to hold my son with one hand while I drained some of the water out, which caused poop to get smeared on my dress. Great.

After giving him an extensive bath, I changed my clothes, put him in his pj's, and put him to bed. I cleaned the sink, disinfected his bath toys, started a load of doo doo laundry, scrubbed and mopped the wood floor, and now I am writing this, wishing I had a drink in hand. Sometimes I can't believe I'm not drunk everyday.