A dark place...scary

Before we enter this dark place, I will shed a little light on the day...I received two more awards today! Yippee Skippee! I received the One Lovely Blog Award from Mud Mama ! Thank you so much! I really appreciate receiving this award!

And I received the Best Blog Award from Christine at Christine's Corner! Thank you, Christine, for this award!

Now, we enter a dark, dark place. A place full of depressed visions, sickening voices, dread, sorrow, skeletons shaking in the closet, anxiety, and suffocation. Where is this place of gloom and doom? Why do we have to go there? Well, because I can't get away from it and if I have to go there everyday, then I'm taking you with me. Where?

My head.

Yes, folks I am living in a dark, dark place. I'm not sure exactly what people are talking about when they discuss the "dark night of the soul", but I think I am there. And it is lasting much longer than "a" night.

Those of you who have been reading my blog know what a tough summer I have had. Really, what a tough year I have had. It has been the worst year of my life, and this includes the year my parents got divorced, my sister almost died from pneumonia and my great-grandmother died on New Years Eve (this all happened in 1997).

I can't find the words to begin what I am feeling....hmmm...well, let me just start from the beginning. And by the way, I'm not afraid of sharing anything, nor am I ashamed. I've never been one to hide my feelings. Here we go, internet! This could be a long one, folks.

My father worked for the Department of Human Services for something like 30 years. By the time he retired, he was the head of our county's DHS. My sister and I would play in the DHS building as kids, running down the hallways, in and out of the offices, playing in the "big room" up front with all the chairs. We always entered in the back (the employee's entrance). Never once had I ever been in the front entrance. Until last Friday.

Last Friday, I had to stand in the English-speaking line, waiting for my turn to turn in forms, forms asking for state assistance for health insurance for our son. Never as a child, did I ever think that 30 years later, I would be standing in that "big room" up front with all the chairs (now I know what the room is for), not to play and have fun, but to ask for government assistance because my son's health depends on it and we can't afford health insurance.

It was a very humbling experience, not that I think I needed to be humbled anymore, but I am now even more humble than I was before. I think it has moved from humble to low self-esteem and depression. How did I get here? I'm 35 years old. How did I get here?

After my unexpected c-section last year, long recovery, and breastfeeding disasters, I suffered from post-partum depression for about 6 months. Just when the light was beginning to break through from that, we began having money problems, broken air conditioners (plural), I needed new tires, 2 of my husband's family members died, I found out I have celiac disease, my husband lost his job on the day of his uncle's wake, we went through 2 months of unemployment stress, I had a miscarriage, we discovered we can't afford health insurance for all three of us, and now we are back to money problems. Oh, and we also have to "skip" Christmas this year, which is more depressing than all of it. Luckily, we bought presents for our son back in July, so he is covered for Christmas presents. But, for the rest of my family and for each other, well, we can't do it this year.

My husband found a job in September making much less money than he was making before (and before we were barely makin' it as it was), but we are grateful he has found a job at least! This is really just scratching the surface of everything that has happened to us this year, but those are the biggest challenges.

My dark place is this: when does it end? When does it get any easier? When does God or the Universe or whoever is out there listening say enough is enough? I am at my breaking point. I've had it. I can't take any more stress, any more bad news, I don't need to be humbled any more than I already have been. I'm tired of crying. I want to laugh again.

My husband and I can't afford clothes for ourselves so we can't present ourselves to the world the way we want to be presented. I am angry all the time. The slightest thing will set me off (our poor dogs have beared the brunt of this, I'm afraid). I am more cynical and judgmental now of others. I'm pissed that I can no longer eat many convenience foods because of the gluten, I'm pissed that coffee makes me sick because I loooooove coffee. I'm pissed that I can't afford to fix up my house. I hate my bathrooms - they are the ugliest places on earth. I'm pissed that i can't afford anything besides food. My cell phone got shut off yesterday because we couldn't afford the bill (it is now turned back on - hallelujah - how would the DHS people get a hold of me?). I'm pissed. The TV shows I used to watch in the spring...well, when they started back up in the fall, I found them to be silly and not as funny as they used to be. I've been through too much in the last few months to appreciate the unrealistic nature of television comedies.

The two worst parts of it all are that 1) there is a piece of motherhood that is missing for me. I have had so many other things to worry about since my son was born that I have a disconnect from this experience called motherhood. There is a dam blocking my ability to fully be grateful and overwhelmed by this blessing. And it has nothing to do with my son. He is perfect and I love him more than life itself. Motherhood has made me very serious and all of our problems seem worse when I believe they could possibly affect him in a negative way. I want him to have so much, so many opportunities, a life that isn't riddled with financial stress and I fear we won't be able to give that life to him.

And 2), well, this year has seriously made me doubt that there is any kind of anybody listening out there in the Universe. I have done more praying than Job and not a thing has changed. I grew up going to church, being religious and all that. And, I've always been a very spiritual person. Spirituality is from where I drew my hope, my strength. Before last year, I could always, without a doubt or a problem, cheer myself up and turn things around. I was a super-duper positive person and I NEVER had bad days. Seriously. But this year has caused a serious rift in my spirituality and I so badly want it to be healed. But, I can't find my way. I feel alone.

On a positive note, my husband and I are closer than ever before. Tough times have a way of making us join forces and become a caring and supportive team for each other. We become the other's biggest fan. And let's face it, sometimes that gets lost in a marriage. But, all this distress has brought us closer than ever. And I am grateful for that.

So, somebody hit me. Somebody give me a swift kick in the ass. Shoot me some perspective. Tell me to get a life. I need to move past all of this. I need to get my groove back. Where is Stella when you need her? I think I have cried every day for a year. It is time for it all to end!!!

I wrote a petition to God, just like the one Elizabeth Gilbert writes in Eat, Pray, Love. By the way, if you haven't read that book, go buy it. Oprah was right. It is amazing! Anyway, here is my petition. You can sign my petition in the comments if you like...maybe He will listen to us in numbers! Thanks to all and I hope everybody is having a rock star week!

Dearest God/Universe,

This is a petition. A petition for You to please intervene in my financial situation, my spiritual drought, and my lack of purpose. Please intervene and take my husband and I toward financial abundance. Please intervene and help me find peace in spirituality. Please intervene and help me find my career path and life purpose. I am currently not contributing to the good of humanity being as miserable and depressed as I am. I am not being the best mommy I can be when I am worrying about money and wishing I had a marketable passion to call my own. My son did nothing to deserve a mommy who can't give her all. I don't want to inadvertently damage him in some way because of my misery, which in turn would damage others. Our stress and unhappiness are not contributing to the beauty and peace of this world as a whole. Our lack of finances is causing us to be burdens on others who have problems of their own. I never want to stand in that DHS office again. I never want to see that look of defeat on my husband's face again. And while we are at it, I do not believe I should have to use our few resources and those of a hospital to have surgery again in order to have a second child. I petition that You intervene and help me get pregnant without surgery. A lasting pregnancy with another healthy, beautiful child. Please intervene and take away my anger. Please intervene and help me find peace again.

My deepest regards and always yours truly,

Amo

Pictures and Awards Ceremony!

Our computer is finally working. For now. Yippee! I want to send out a great big dyno-whoppin' "Thank you!" to Allyson at Pink Flip Flops and Wine for giving me her genius computer advice. My technology stunted brain says thank you very much!

As promised, here are some of the pictures from my Time Out for Theta Mom Thursday last week from the Brandi Carlisle and Amy Ray concert!

My sister, me and Liz

The talented Amy Ray from the Indigo Girls

Amy Ray (the pictures are dark...sorry)

Brandi Carlisle

And finally..drum roll please...rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr (that is a drum roll)....

my AWARDS CEREMONY!!!! It has taken Buddha-like patience for me to wait and wait until our computer was in full swing again so I could express my thanks and pass on these awards.

Now. I was given like nine awards in one month's time (2 of them I wrote about here and here) and I have been so pumped and stoked because of it. I feel like the luckiest blogger in the world to have people read my drivel and actually like it. However, a lot of these awards have rules, like how many people you are supposed to give them to in return and all of that. Frankly, most of you have received these awards before and I couldn't possibly read enough blogs to pass them on (I received the One Lovely Blog Award three times, which would be like 45 blogs I would have to reciprocate). So, I am throwing caution to the wind, throwing out the rules and doing it my own way. And, I encourage you to do the same. Pass these awards on...don't pass them on. I am giving them to you because I love your blog. Period. Sit back and enjoy.

And here we go (the anticipation is killing me!):

I received this award from One Chic Mommy at The Balancing Act of One Chic Mommy! Thank you so much Alicia! You guys should check out her latest blog entry...it is her "Question of The Week" and it is a good one...it has definitely got me thinking!

I would like to pass this award on to:

Christine's Corner

AND

Mimi Bella Boo

I received this award from The Girl with the Flour in Her Hair at Peeling an Orange with a Screwdriver! Thank you so much! I had never seen this award before receiving it. The Girl with the Flour in Her Hair writes with the perfect mixture of heart and hilarious. Please check her out! Read the top right-hand section of her blog and find out why it is called Peeling an Orange with a Screwdriver! I think it is clever!

I would like to pass this award on to:

King Max cried "Let the Wild Rumpus Begin!"

AND

Not Now Honey I Have A Headache

This award I received from Twenty-Something Momma at Ruminations of a Twenty-Something Momma! Thank you so much, Momma! Twenty-Something Momma is very friendly, too! Her blog has great giveaways, lots of adorable pictures and she is also full of the funny! Check her out!

And this award goes to.....

Lemonade Parade

AND

I've Become My Mother

The Best Blog Award I received from Momma Such at Raising My 4 Sons AND Mrs. Blogalot! Thank you, gals! Momma Such has a great blog full of giveaways and thoughtful insights. Check out her Ochanga giveaway here. I am super-stoked about this giveaway! Mrs. Blogalot is one of my new favorites. She is funny funny and I love the layout of this blog!

I would like to pass this one on to:

Two Peas in a Pie

AND

Mamma Ra

And finally, I received the One Lovely Blog Award from Christine at Christine's Corner and Nanny Dee at New England Nanny! Thank you, lovely ladies! Christine's Corner is another one of my new favorites! She is thoughtful, kind-hearted, and chill. Please check her out! And Nanny Dee, well, what mommy doesn't need her? Her blog has great tips for parents of infants, toddlers, and preschoolers. I have looked at her blog many times to find information and creative tips! Very helpful, indeedy!

And the One Lovely Blog Award goes to....

Heart and Hairspray

AND

What's Wrong with Mommy?

I enjoy reading all of your blogs so much and thank you more than I can express for reading mine. You all give me another reason to get up in the morning by traveling with me through something I enjoy...BLOGGING! I appreciate it so much and I appreciate you all sharing your lives and stories with me. If we all stick together, we can't feel all alone.

I used the word "all" a lot in that last paragraph. Whew! It was ALL over the place!

Brandi Carlisle and Amy Ray vs. the Bully (i.e. Time Out for Theta Mom Thursday)

So, I was going to do my spectacular awards ceremony today with all the awards I have been given in the last month or so (nine in all, can you believe it? So stoked!), however, I thought our stupid computer was working again until I tried to pull up the internet and all I have is a local connection. And I can't figure out what is wrong. Boooo....so I can't download the pictures of all the awards and stuff. Soooo...once again, it will have to wait until my husband gets home from work and can fix it for me because I am computer language illiterate. I am once again on my mom's laptop. And once again, thank you Mom!

Instead, I will do the Time Out For Theta Mom Thursday! Yippee! I am a newbie to this one. I've read everyone else's on Thursdays and had hoped to be able to do my own someday and have something exciting to write about besides the one shower I get to take a week. Well, step aside shower story because Someday has arrived!

On Monday evening, I went to a concert! Not even a Wiggles concert, but one for ADULTS! I went to a local bar here in town called George's Majestic Lounge with my sister, Jill, and best friend, Liz, to see Brandi Carlisle and Amy Ray from the Indigo Girls! And I had TWO glasses of wine, which let's face it, in my twenties two glasses of wine would have been like lemonade to me, but these days, it is like drinking 5 vodka tonics. Anyway, last year, when I was about six months pregnant, I saw the Indigo Girls with my friend, Liz, and Brandi Carlisle opened for them. Both acts were absolutely amazing! This time, Amy Ray and her solo band opened for Brandi Carlisle.

The three of us stood up front the entire show. Well, actually, we tried to stand up front the entire show. But not all of us could. Why? Because of the bully.

We were to the right of the stage, right up front. Directly behind us was a tall, gigantic version of KD Lang who was VERY messed up and VERY protective of her girlfriend, who was standing next to us. She would put her arm around her girlfriend, practically falling on top of her shorter, Jewel-looking girlfriend, and block her from us, all the while pushing us further and further back with her giant elbow and staggering stance. Then, suddenly, she would disappear for a while only to show up a few minutes later and start pushing again. Um, hello, can't you see the wedding rings we are wearing? Whether we are married to a man or woman is irrelevant. We are taken and have no interest in your girlfriend.

The whole scenario got worse when Brandi Carlisle started to play. That gigantic girl must loooooooove her some Brandi Carlisle. She bullied her way in between the three of us and started inviting her friends who were in the back to come up front and stand next to her! So freaking rude. Eventually, my sister got separated from us and had to stand a few feet back. I wanted to slap that spiky flat top hair right off her head.

About halfway through Brandi's set, Liz felt ill in the tum-tum from too much brewski and I think my sister was tired of being squished in a passive-aggressive girl sandwich, so they went to the bar to sit. I, on the other hand, stayed and stood my little ground.

At some point, the bully left for a while, only to return more drunk and loud. She kept yelling things like, "Fuck yeah, dude!" and "Right on!" in my ear. I had had enough and the two glasses of wine I had were kicking in. I stepped in front of her and elbowed my way to the front up against the railing. I was proud of myself, although I don't even think she noticed. At one point, she was jumping up and down and fell on top of me. I don't think she noticed that, either.

Despite the bully, I had an amazing time! I did, however, regret the two glasses of wine the next morning when my son woke up at 7 am and I felt extremely nauseated with a pounding headache. One year olds don't sit still. Ever.

I have pictures from the evening, but like I said, I can' t download anything...so, I will add them to my next post! The picture at the top is one of my friend, Liz, and I from May.

A side note: I used to be able to drag pictures to wherever I wanted them on my blog page, but for some reason, blogspot is no longer letting me do that. So, if anyone can tell me how to move pictures around, I would greatly appreciate it. Otherwise, it will ever so slowly drive me crazy. And I don't need anything else to make me crazy...ask my husband.

Boo hoo hoo

Just a quick post.

Just have a little something to whine about.

Today I tried to wipe a hair away from around my eye.

Until I realized it wasn't going to go anywhere because it wasn't a hair.

It was a new crow's feet wrinkle.

One that came to join the ranks of soooo many others.

The reflection of myself in the mirror looking back at myself was embarrassed for myself.

Aye, yi, yi.

All The Single Mommies! Oh oh oh oh oh oh!

I know I said my next blog would be an awards ceremony, but I've got to give props to all the single mothers out there first. I've had a small, small taste of your world this week and to be perfectly frank, I don't know HOW YOU DO IT!!

My husband was out of town this entire week. He left Sunday and comes back tonight (finally!). He has left town before...just not for a whole week. It is usually three days at the most.

And I have to tell you...I was looking forward to this week alone. I actually enjoy alone time - even before I became a mother, I was fine being alone. I was looking forward to watching Project Runway in my jammies with no interruptions, eating soup for dinner (my husband thinks soup is pointless as a meal and I love it - it's coziness in a bowl!), reading blogs, writing blogs, keeping the house calm and collected (my husband is the fun one who gets my son and dogs riled up), keeping order and chaos to a minimum. And for the most part, I did okay. I did get to watch Project Runway, I did have soup for dinner twice, and I kept everyone and every dog pretty even tempered.

However, I thought I would have more alone time in the evenings and during Max's naps to blog and read and catch up on chores. I'm not sure where I got that deranged idea. I had no time. I haven't checked my blogs all week. I haven't written since Monday. I'm behind in laundry, dishes, I have clothes to hang and put away, I've only showered once all week, my face has broken out in zits (which hasn't happened in years), and I'm starving by 4 0'clock because I forget to eat after breakfast.

By the third evening, I started going to bed feeling a little bit defeated. And I had this unending sense of impending doom lurking around inside my head and chest. My shoulders and back have been aching from stress (well, and from carrying our 50 pound, all-muscle, bull terrier from the back door to the bathtub twice a day. It has been raining here all week and that barking battle axe gets MUUUUUDDY!), and I had nightmares again.

What I want to know from all you rock star single moms out there is how do you not just let your kids watch tv all day? On Tuesday, I let Max watch Sprout and Noggin most of the day so I could try to gain some chore momentum. And I felt guilty about it ALL DAY, too. I know I'm not supposed to let a one year old stare into the boob tube for an entire afternoon of Sesame Street, Blue's Clues, and Yo Gabba Gabba, but what other choice did I have? My house was starting to smell like wet dog and old cheese.

And what about those single moms (or dads!) who work outside of the home all day and then have to come home to clean and cook and give baths and do bedtime routines and all that jazz ALL BY THEMSELVES? I'm surprised you have showers at all. Someone should give you a million dollars. Or at least write you a song. "All the Single Mommies" should be Beyonce's next big hit.

So, to All the Single Mommies, All the Single Mommies, cheers to you. I have great respect and adoration for you. I am sincerely in awe of you. I even tear up a bit thinking about you...in the same way I tear up when contestants lose a lot of weight on The Biggest Loser (that show reduces me to a blubbering mess every time). It is because I am very proud of you...your courage, your stamina, your discipline, your selflessness. I should never complain about my husband again (but you know I will) because at least I have someone else to take out the recycling (another thing I never did this week. Wait...maybe that is why my house smells like old cheese?).

Are you up to the Five Word Challenge?

Hello all!

Our computer still isn't working, but I am borrowing my mom's laptop (thanks, Mom!) so I can keep feeding my addiction.

On my mom's blog, Life Not Wasted Or Lost, she had a post about the five-word challenge. It is a deal where someone in the blogosphere sends you five words and you have to write a little sumthin' sumthin' about each word as it applies to your life. So, I signed up!

But, being that Janie B. is my mother and knows me very well, she gave me five words which have deep significance in my life and it will be very hard for me to keep each word to a paragraph. Again, thanks Mom! But, I am up for the challenge...

1. Motherhood

Yikes. That's a big one. All I ever wanted to be growing up was a mother. No career aspirations outside the realm of domestic goddess. I didn't get to be a wife or a mom until my thirties, therefore my twenties were somewhat torturous as I yearned for a settled life with a family. And having a child wasn't easy for me. We tried for 13 months before I finally went into surgery for three different kinds of endometriosis. My birth experience was brutal and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. And then I settled into post-partum depression for about six months. It was rough and a far, far cry from what I had imagined motherhood would be. Motherhood has been a well worth it challenge that has reduced me to screaming tears sometimes, but I wouldn' t have it any other way. It has left me emotionally raw with searing wounds that may never go away. However, none of this has stopped me from wanting to do it all over again! I can't imagine my life without my son. He is a dream come true.

2. Poetry

I have a love/hate relationship with poetry. In college, one of my bachelor's degrees was English with an emphasis in Creative Writing and Poetry. I wasn't half bad at it. It was also humbling and full of literature-type-I'm-better-than-you- know-it-alls who drove me crazy. I love poetry for its grace and metaphors and genius, and I hate it for the ache it gives me in my gut. Poetry gives me anxiety because people expect me to write it - I was good at it and was accepted into the master's program (although I turned it down). And it gives me anxiety because I wonder, "Should I be writing poetry just because I'm good at it? Even if I'm not drawn to it?" I love to read it, I hate feeling guilty because I'm not writing it. I don't yearn to write poetry. Therefore, I have a love/hate relationship with poetry. As soon as I can rid myself of the guilt of not writing poetry and disappointing everyone, then I can once again enjoy reading it.

3. Music

Love it. I've always been musical - I grew up playing the piano and was in Choir all through junior high and high school. I miss my piano - it is at my mother's house because we don't have room for it. Someday ... someday. I do yearn to play the piano. I was never a prodigy or anything, but I did enjoy playing. I took lessons for 12 years and stopped when I went to college. I'd like to take lessons again someday. For now, I get my music fix by singing to my son and listening to my faves, like the Indigo Girls, Stevie Wonder, Al Green, Brandi Carlisle, and Fleetwood Mac. I had my son's birth cards read when he was born by my friend, Marianne, and the cards said he would be musical, as well. Which is already true because he dances and moves his head around at the slightest note! My husband is also obsessed with music and can beat out the rhythm like a drum from almost any song.

4. Christmas

Love it. Obsessed with it. So is my sister. This is probably because our childhood Christmas's were so great. I love everything about it - cookies, carols, Christmas trees, ornaments, house lights, giving gifts, bright wrapping paper and pretty bows, decorations, hot chocolate, and the coziness of the whole month of December! I freak out over hearing Christmas carols when I go into retail stores and I listen to them in my car beginning in November. I also put my tree up the day after Thanksgiving. I would put it up sooner if my husband would let me. The ironic thing is that my sister and I both married men who grew up not celebrating Christmas. It was new to them and not exactly welcomed at first. But, once my husband celebrated his first Christmas with us and he received all those gifts, he started believing that Christmas isn't so bad after all. Bribery. It works every time.

5. Education

Love it. I got two bachelor's degrees in college because I love learning so much, one after highschool, and the other when I turned thirty! I have no doubts that I will probably get another degree at some point in my life, whether it be through correspondence or attending a university. I love to read almost anything and everything, including classic literature, fiction, memoirs, mystery, humorous books, textbooks, but excluding romance novels. Yuck. I would like to work in a school setting someday, although I don't think I want a classroom of my own. My ideal job in an ideal world would be to work in a library. Aaaaahhhh, I'd be in heaven all...day...long.

Well, that's the five word challenge! If you would like to do the five word challenge, just let me know in the comments and I will send you five different words, too! It's fun!

Stay tuned for my next entry which will be an awards ceremony!

Stick with me, kid

I am such a wanker.

I am suffering from blogging guilt.

I've only written two blog entries in two weeks, I haven't been able to keep up and comment on all the blogs I read, I've been given several awards which I haven't had time to acknowledge, or pass on. I'm a blogging wanker!!

And I will continue to be a wanker because our computer is on the fritz (I'm using my mother's laptop without the mouse, so everything takes me ten times longer) and we have no idea what is it's major malfunction. My husband's brother usually rushes to our computing rescue because when the computer breaks, I am like a toddler trying to drive a car - I just bang on the steering wheel and push buttons and scream a lot until I fall out of the seat exhausted and ready for a nap.

However, my husband's brother is working in Iraq. Soooooooooooo....back to blogging guilt.

My husband starts his new job next week, so I will surely have more alone time during my son's naps to write, acknowledge, pass on, and catch up on all the lovely blogs that sustain me throughout the week. On the laptop. Thanks, Mom.

And to everyone out there is the blogosphere: I miss you.

Please stick with me!