I need an interpreter to talk to my husband

Men. Women. Mars. Venus. Made of snails and puppy dog tails. Made of everything nice.

Opposites.

So, the communication breakdown between my husband and I is sometimes...well...maddening.

It can make me want to rip off my skin and go running into the river with a ball and chain tied to my ankles.

Yesterday was no exception.

Yesterday, we had to drive, in separate cars, 45 minutes away to our son's ENT tubes consultation. My husband knew how to get there and I did not.

I asked him to tell me which exit we take off the interstate in case we got separated. He said, "Not sure of the number. Just follow me."

My husband drives long distances for a living, so he is used to flying down the interstate and not waiting for anyone.

Which is exactly what he did when I was supposed to be following him.

He switched lanes to pass an RV that was pulling a trailer at a time when I couldn't switch lanes behind him - there was a line of cars coming too fast toward me in the passing lane. So, I had to wait. And wait. And wait.

By the time I passed the RV, I couldn't even see my husband's car anymore. So, I called him on his cell.

"Where are you??!! I can't even see your car in front of me!"

"What, are you driving backwards or did you just turn around and go home?"

(sarcasm not appreciated)

"I couldn't get around the RV! You switched lanes and didn't pay attention to see if I could follow."

"You could have switched lanes."

"No, I couldn't have."

"How fast are you going?"

"70"

"Can't you go 75 or 80?"

"No, because our infant son is in the backseat!"

My husband speeds. I do not. He hates driving with me.

"I'll just pull over and wait for you."

"You can't just pull over on the interstate! I'll pass you! Just stay on the phone with me and tell me the number of the exit when you find it!"

"You don't think I could catch up to you? I'll just pull over."

"No, just tell me the exit number."

About that time, I passed him. He had pulled over on the shoulder.

"Why did you pull over? I told you not to!"

"This is just easier. This way you can stop panicking. Just follow me."

"Don't lose me this time! Pay attention, please!"

etc. You get the idea. I also have no sense of direction, if you hadn't figured that out.

Anyway, when it was time to leave the ENT's office, I couldn't remember how to get back to the interstate. My husband was going to work and wasn't driving back into town with me.

"How do I get back to the interstate?"

"Just get on this road here and follow it to the highway. Then turn left."

"What road?"

"This road right here! The one I am pointing at."

"I don't see how to get to that road."

"Just back your car out and turn left, then right. The entrance to the road is right here!"

"Where?! I don't see it!"

"Do you see that car? See that car driving down the road? See it? That is the road. It is right in front of us."

"Ooooohhh! I thought you were talking about that road over there over the hill!"

"Amy. Oh my God. That is a walking trail. Geez."

Yeah, that's what I say. Geez.