I'm already down so you can kick me if you want to

So, aye yi yi.

I have to tell you that if you have anything you want to say to me that you haven't said to me in the past because you were afraid that it might piss me off or hurt my feelings...well, say it now. I'm already down, so go ahead and kick me. And, good for you, I don't have the energy to fight back. So, you can basically say whatever you want and I will take it. Go ahead. This has proved to be beneficial for my husband lately. And my 2 yr old.

If you have been reading my blog or are one of my family members, you know that my husband and I haven't had the best of luck over the last three years. It has been a little rough to say the least. Job loss, unemployment, miscarriage, surgeries, family deaths, money problems, 2 yr old son in multiple therapies, son's behavior on a daily basis, loss of health insurance, my husband has to work two jobs to make ends meet so we never see each other, rent house problems, etc. I could go on. We all have problems, I know. I may be feeling a little sorry for myself though.

Anyway, things haven't changed. Our streak of disappointment continues and I am wondering when we are going to get the ball back. I am tired of playing defense. Or whatever. I don't know anything about sports so my metaphors might not be making any sense. I'll just say this: I'm tired of getting knocked down!

Since the beginning of THIS year, we have discovered that our renter is in jail, therefore cannot pay his rent therefore we have been paying two mortgages for three months. We had to cash out our 401K to live. We found out that my husband's company changed his pay scale and he will now be making EVEN LESS than he was before. He is already working two jobs! We have to sign up for WIC to pay for diapers. We found out from our pediatrician that our 6 month old now needs to begin physical therapy because he cannot sit up at all, not even supported. Not sure how I am going to work that one in, seeing that my older son is about to begin a second hour of occupational therapy and an hour of developmental therapy per week. He already goes to physical therapy, as well.

I am already stretched so thin that I feel as weak as a piece of paper. I am so out of control of my life that I am a complete space cadet and emotional wreck. I have no control over my sons' issues. I have no control over my son's behavior when he gets overstimulated (over the past week, he has been extremely aggressive). I have no control over my home because I don't have the time or energy or pride to clean it, I have no control over our finances because I don't earn any money. I stay at home with my kids and constantly drive them to preschool and multiple therapy appointments. My daily life at home is controlled by my kids and hoping that my 2 yr old will have a good day.

My husband recently had a family member tell him that they don't believe our son has any emotional problems and doesn't need therapy - he just needs better discipline. I almost lost it, I was so angry. Our son isn't a bad kid and we aren't bad parents - it goes beyond that and a little understanding would be appreciated.

However, speaking of discipline, I have become an emotional wreck when it comes to discipline. I am so weak that whenever I put my son in time-out or take away a toy because of his behavior and he cries, then I start crying too. I don't let him see me, but I feel terrible afterwards and I burst into tears after I leave him in his room. I used to be the tough one and the disciplinarian, and now I don't even have the strength to hold it together.

I don't know...maybe deaf heaven will finally start listening to my pleas for help. They have been sent up for three years. Somebody has gotta start listening eventually, right?

I saw an interview with Maya Angelou and she spoke of rainbows in the clouds. And we have had a lot of rainbows in our clouds over the last three years - generous family members, lots of free babysitting, thoughtful friends ...I don't know what I would have done without all the rainbows in my life and I am incredibly grateful for them. Maybe those rainbows are the answers to all my prayers.

I would just like, for once, to be a rainbow in somebody else's cloud. I am tired of people having to help us all the time. I feel like a charity. I want to be able to stand on our own feet for A LONG PERIOD OF TIME - YEARS - and not need help - help somebody else for a change. Write a big check to someone who is struggling. Man, I would love to be able to do that.

For the last few years, I have had a dream of being able to adopt an older child, any race, any age, maybe a girl. My husband and I have talked about it a lot over the years. But, at this rate, we can't afford the kids we've got. I don't want to have to let go of this dream, but I'm losing hope that anything is going to be different for us.

ANYWAY, thank you for coming to my pity party. I don't have any party favors for you, but the offer still stands: you can kick me. However, I would do it soon, because knowing me, I don't stay quiet for long. I will be back to nagging my husband and screaming at bad drivers again before you know it.