My pledge to M and H

Having children has left me so vulnerable.

Some days, I wish they would go away so I can catch my breath.

Then, some nights, I stare at them while they sleep and I cry, terrified that they will go away.

Some days, I just stare at my oldest son while he eats, or at my youngest son while he studies his fingers, and I think, "How did I ever get this lucky? I am so blessed."

Some days, I stare at my son while he tries to kick his younger brother or at my youngest after he has woken up for the fourth time that night, and I think, "I must have been crazy to have kids."

Motherhood is the toughest challenge I have ever faced. And most days, I am a complete failure. My oldest has special needs that sometimes I just can't meet. And because I am so consumed with the needs of my oldest, my youngest has needs that sometimes I just can't meet. And I end most days feeling guilty and either crying, nursing a tension headache, or just completely exhausted.

But...

I can't remember what my life was like before I had my sons. Because it was so meaningless. So trivial. What did I do that was as important as what I am doing now?

Nothing.

My boys are IT.

I heard someone say once that they look at being a stay-at-home mom and motherhood as a privilege, not as a job.

Well, excuse me for saying so, but there are a lot of days that it feels like a job to me. And one I'm not very good at. I can be selfish, I lack patience, energy, stamina, the ability to multi-task...but what I do not lack is love for these babies and a hunger to give them the best lives I can. I love these boys with everything I have. Losing them would be like losing my lungs or my legs. I wouldn't be able to breathe or stand on my own again.

And while I am not always able to show my gratitude, I am always grateful. And so, so in love.

And to my darlings, Max and Harry: even on the days when I yell or have to put you in time-out, make you drink water instead of chocolate milk, seem exasperated, exhausted, or act like I am not going to make it through this day - I do make it, I will make it, and I will always make it for you. I will always make it for you.

And P.S. - if I am ever angry, get your daddy to buy me something and then tell me I'm pretty. It always works.

Luke, I am your father. And I'm in your toilet.

So, this is what I found floating in my toilet this morning.

The severed head of Darth Vader.

It was a little frightening at first, and then a little funny. I started laughing and my husband said, "Don't laugh! He will do it again for attention! Look how proud he is!" And while this is true, I couldn't help it. The head of Darth Vader greeting me before my morning business is kind of an indication of how this week has gone and I just needed to laugh.

This week is our spring break, therefore, my son is home for the WHOLE week. Monday, he was so impulsive and aggressive that I had a severe migraine (is there any other kind?) by 5 pm and it took 4 Advils and two anti-anxiety pills to make me functional again.

Tuesday, after we arrived home from his PT appt, I found him here in the washing machine. and while that alone isn't a big deal, the problem was that I couldn't get him out without a major meltdown. So, he just stayed in there for a long, long time.

Wednesday, our 6-month old started crying around noon and cried for five hours straight. I couldn't get an appt at the pediatric clinic until 5 pm, so we took him to the urgent care clinic where they had no idea why he wouldn't stop crying. At 5 pm, I took him to the pediatric clinic and they determined that he has his fourth ear infection in a month and a half. So, if he gets another one, he has to get tubes.

When we got home from the doctor, I turned on the oven to start dinner. After 10 minutes, my husband and I could smell something burning. Then, suddenly, smoke started billowing from inside the oven. I opened it up and we found a kitchen towel on fire that Max had stuck in there at some point during the day!

Thursday, after Max's OT appt, we had another appt where we had to take the kids and Max had to miss his nap in order for us to go. Well, that is always a disaster when a 2 year old has to miss a nap. The appt took two hours and the rest of the day was putting out one tantrum fire after another. I fed him dinner early and put him to bed at 6:30 pm. But, he suddenly had a terrible cough which kept him from sleeping well. At about midnight, he woke up crying saying that his tummy hurt and he cried for almost an hour. So, my husband grabbed a pillow around 1 am and slept on Max's floor. Turns out it was just gas because as soon as he passed it, he felt fine and he went back to sleep. Must be scary though to be two years old and not understand why your tummy hurts.

Then, today, Friday, I found Darth Vader's severed head in the toilet.

And it was hilarious.

I wonder what the rest of this week will hold for us. Luke Skywalker's limbs in the DVD player? A puddle of pee on the dining room table? We shall see...should be interesting, for sure!

Happy St. Patrick's Day and Happy Potty Day! We are celebrating both around here!

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!!

And also, HAPPY POTTY DAY!!

We are celebrating Potty Day around here today because our 2 yr old is officially on Potty Training detail!

I didn't want to start potty training him too soon - I wanted to wait until he showed interest...and at 2 1/2, he has finally started showing signs that he is ready.

Over the weekend, out of nowhere, he started telling us when he needed to pee. So, we would rush him to the bathroom, and he would pee in his little urinal. Yesterday, he started wearing Pull-Ups. And today, he has peed in his urinal twice because he actually came to us and told us he needed to pee!

So far, he won't pee on the actual toilet, so I think most of this is the novelty of peeing while standing up like Daddy and getting to pee in and flush his urinal, but whatever works!

While I am excited about this new chapter in his life, I am also a little on edge because now that he has learned to pee in the urinal, he wants to pee all over the house. He likes to pull down his Pull-Ups and announce to us that he is going to pee. On the living room carpet. So, I have to be on guard, but this is exciting! Maybe someday soon, we will only have ONE child in diapers. Imagine all the money we will save...

Kids don't forget a promise of sugar in their future

So, last night, after my 2 yr old had come out of his room for about the fiftieth time, naturally trying to avoid bedtime, he came out one more time and caught my husband eating ice cream in the den.

So, naturally again, he ran to the kitchen silverware drawer, pulled out a spoon, and started demanding ice cream. We told him no, he cannot have ice cream when he is supposed to be in bed and after we had brushed his teeth, and we told him he could have ice cream tomorrow. Just not tonight.

He sadly shuffled into his room, holding tight to that spoon, and said, "Okaaaaaay." Very pouty. And very cute.

Fast forward to this morning...my husband had to get up early to go out of town for the day for work. And wouldn't you know it, our son woke up at 6:30 am, shuffled back into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes, barely awake, his hair stuck up from sleep, still carrying that spoon, and looks at my husband through sleepy eyes and says, "I keen. I want my i keen."

How could we say no to that? So, Max had vanilla ice cream for breakfast. Sometimes, you just gotta give in to the cuteness.

Glasses USA! Save me from an ill-fated lawsuit!

I can see it now. I get my eyeglass prescription, take my 2 yr old and my 6 month old to pick out my eyeglasses, my 2 yr old finds the rows and rows of frames to be his own personal Whack-A-Mole game while my infant cries to be held. Many, many eyeglasses lose their lives during our shopping trip and I get sued by the eyeglass store because I can't afford to pay for all the damages.

I would like to avoid all of that if possible...WHICH is why I will order my next pair of reading glasses online from GlassesUSA.com! I do quite a bit of my shopping online, so I was truly excited to have been contacted by GlassesUSA.com to write a sponsored post about their website. Any time I can find out more information about an online shopping experience that will make my life easier, I am all about it!

I found GlassesUSA.com to be a great place to order discount prescription eyeglasses and cheap prescription sunglasses online! Eyeglasses can be intimidating to try on with so many different frames and colors and a salesperson staring at you while you try on every single pair. I don't like that. I have done it. GlassesUSA takes out all the hassle and stress of buying glasses!

I found their website extremely easy to navigate and I really appreciated all the ways to narrow my eyeglass search and save me time (and let's face it, as a mommy, you know your free time is V-E-R-Y P-R-E-C-I-O-U-S indeed): brand, material, frame size, lens type, price, gender, frame shape, and color!

I personally love their line of cheap designer glasses and I REALLY LOVE the Virtual Mirror where you can upload a picture of yourself and try on all the glasses right from the comfort of your own home! I had a lot of fun with the Virtual Mirror (granted, I may need to get out of the house more) and have already picked out the discount glasses I will order after my next visit to the eye doctor! And I love knowing that their cheap glasses won't break the bank!

Right now, GlassesUSA.com is offering a great discount for those of you who would like to order glasses online! You can save 10% on your next order of prescription glasses with the code: Mommy10! Isn't that great? I know that with my next order of eyeglasses, I will definitely try GlassesUSA.com first.

The Joker

I'm already down so you can kick me if you want to

So, aye yi yi.

I have to tell you that if you have anything you want to say to me that you haven't said to me in the past because you were afraid that it might piss me off or hurt my feelings...well, say it now. I'm already down, so go ahead and kick me. And, good for you, I don't have the energy to fight back. So, you can basically say whatever you want and I will take it. Go ahead. This has proved to be beneficial for my husband lately. And my 2 yr old.

If you have been reading my blog or are one of my family members, you know that my husband and I haven't had the best of luck over the last three years. It has been a little rough to say the least. Job loss, unemployment, miscarriage, surgeries, family deaths, money problems, 2 yr old son in multiple therapies, son's behavior on a daily basis, loss of health insurance, my husband has to work two jobs to make ends meet so we never see each other, rent house problems, etc. I could go on. We all have problems, I know. I may be feeling a little sorry for myself though.

Anyway, things haven't changed. Our streak of disappointment continues and I am wondering when we are going to get the ball back. I am tired of playing defense. Or whatever. I don't know anything about sports so my metaphors might not be making any sense. I'll just say this: I'm tired of getting knocked down!

Since the beginning of THIS year, we have discovered that our renter is in jail, therefore cannot pay his rent therefore we have been paying two mortgages for three months. We had to cash out our 401K to live. We found out that my husband's company changed his pay scale and he will now be making EVEN LESS than he was before. He is already working two jobs! We have to sign up for WIC to pay for diapers. We found out from our pediatrician that our 6 month old now needs to begin physical therapy because he cannot sit up at all, not even supported. Not sure how I am going to work that one in, seeing that my older son is about to begin a second hour of occupational therapy and an hour of developmental therapy per week. He already goes to physical therapy, as well.

I am already stretched so thin that I feel as weak as a piece of paper. I am so out of control of my life that I am a complete space cadet and emotional wreck. I have no control over my sons' issues. I have no control over my son's behavior when he gets overstimulated (over the past week, he has been extremely aggressive). I have no control over my home because I don't have the time or energy or pride to clean it, I have no control over our finances because I don't earn any money. I stay at home with my kids and constantly drive them to preschool and multiple therapy appointments. My daily life at home is controlled by my kids and hoping that my 2 yr old will have a good day.

My husband recently had a family member tell him that they don't believe our son has any emotional problems and doesn't need therapy - he just needs better discipline. I almost lost it, I was so angry. Our son isn't a bad kid and we aren't bad parents - it goes beyond that and a little understanding would be appreciated.

However, speaking of discipline, I have become an emotional wreck when it comes to discipline. I am so weak that whenever I put my son in time-out or take away a toy because of his behavior and he cries, then I start crying too. I don't let him see me, but I feel terrible afterwards and I burst into tears after I leave him in his room. I used to be the tough one and the disciplinarian, and now I don't even have the strength to hold it together.

I don't know...maybe deaf heaven will finally start listening to my pleas for help. They have been sent up for three years. Somebody has gotta start listening eventually, right?

I saw an interview with Maya Angelou and she spoke of rainbows in the clouds. And we have had a lot of rainbows in our clouds over the last three years - generous family members, lots of free babysitting, thoughtful friends ...I don't know what I would have done without all the rainbows in my life and I am incredibly grateful for them. Maybe those rainbows are the answers to all my prayers.

I would just like, for once, to be a rainbow in somebody else's cloud. I am tired of people having to help us all the time. I feel like a charity. I want to be able to stand on our own feet for A LONG PERIOD OF TIME - YEARS - and not need help - help somebody else for a change. Write a big check to someone who is struggling. Man, I would love to be able to do that.

For the last few years, I have had a dream of being able to adopt an older child, any race, any age, maybe a girl. My husband and I have talked about it a lot over the years. But, at this rate, we can't afford the kids we've got. I don't want to have to let go of this dream, but I'm losing hope that anything is going to be different for us.

ANYWAY, thank you for coming to my pity party. I don't have any party favors for you, but the offer still stands: you can kick me. However, I would do it soon, because knowing me, I don't stay quiet for long. I will be back to nagging my husband and screaming at bad drivers again before you know it.